Gender Identity & Writing Again

Today I will share with you some of my story from the past two years. From achieving an hons degree in college to work and setting out to set up my own business.

I will start by sharing that I've been trying hard to write and share my story over the past few months but each time I try I end up drawing a blank and giving up. I feel like I have lost my touch to write and express myself so today instead of trying to write something inspirational, I will tell you what I have been experiencing the past few months and see where this takes me. :)

So, as I mentioned already I graduated with an Hons degree in 2022 and since then I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster ride. I remember been so excited but also so scared that college was going to be finished and done with. I was excited because I had worked so hard between college, work and maintaining my health & fitness routine that I needed a break (a break from college and work that is).

My final year of college included doing a piece of research which was amazing but it was also all consuming and I ended up burnt out. I carried out research on third level students, coping mechaisms used by them and their knowledge of mental health services available to them. I felt like I was doing something valuable and worth while whilst carrying our this research. Then all of a sudden college was over with and the constant hustle of balancing everything had ended. This had a dramatic effect on my mental health as we were amidst the pandemic and widespread social distancing and 'stay at home orders' were in place. I was alone, and I felt like I had no direction or purpose in life anymore.

After a few months of finishing college I was experiencing depression and anxiety at a worrying level and I was very concerned about my deteriorating condition. I decided I needed to do something to help myself or this wouldnt end good. So, I set out to find some support and regain control of my life again.

I joined a mental health support group, started meditating daily, and took to fashion and also writing a journal to express myself. I also decided that I would meet with my doctor and start medication for my mental health. All this took a great deal of effort to try and do but it was something that would prove life changing in ways I could never have imaged.

After some time of practising self-expression, meditating daily, exercise and eating as healthy as I could, I began to see some changes. I began to gain some clarity toward myself and life. I began to see myself in a new light and in a way which seemed to be hidden up until this point. I had a Eureka moment where everything made sense. I finally understood and acknownledged my gender identity as trans and non-binary and I also began to see that my life experiences up to this point with mental ill health could be used for the better to help others somehow.

As time went on and I explored my gender with an open-mind I became a happier and more confident person. I was finally feeling aligned with myself. I dressed how I wanted to, I spoke and carried myself different. It felt like I had been given a freedom ticket to live again.

Acknowledging my trans identity and navigating my transition has had its ups and downs, or should I say 'has' it's ups and downs. The lack of available health care, the mis-gendering, the feeling of hurt when a person just doesn't want to respect your pronouns and name, the embarrassment of been constantly told to 'get out your in the wrong bathroom'. Its crazy the struggles a trans person goes through and they too often go through it alone. I was lucky enough to have met my now partner as I was beginning my transition. They have supported and help guide me so much and I couldnt be more grateful for them. But we are not all lucky enough to have someone there who we can trust to share our transition with and this thought pains me to think of but I know its true.

In saying this I wouldn't change a thing. I'd rather live through the hardships and be true to myself than hide myself, but at the same time I think exposing myself to the world as a trans person has left me a bit closed off. I find it hard to exist in my skin some days because I want to look different, but looking different takes time and money. It's also true that the more I have acknowledged my trans identity, the more unhappy and uneasy I have been with my body. It's hard living in a body which you don't like to look at in the mirror, it's hard living each day hiding behind baggy cloths. Its difficult to see myself as one thing in my mind and then when I look in teh mirrore I see something else.

Again, in saying all this I would like to reach out to every trans person out there and let you know that you are beautiful, even if you dont feel beautiful, you are. You are worthy of life and love. You are worthy of peace and freedom. Have patience and all you want will come your way when its meant to. Trust in the universe that all you seek will be exposed to you when its the right time.

For now I remain patient as I prepare and save for surgery. I remain patient with the world around me when they fail to understand that there is more in this world than just a boy or a girl. I remain patient as I navigate through life and find myself more and more and I ask you to have patience to. You deserve all that you want in life but sometimes it takes a little time to get there. Dont lose hope along the road to your dreams.

This is the first blog I have wrote since 2022 and I am glad I set out to write it. I lay awake thinking about what I would say last night, and what I would tiotle the blog. I hope this marks the start of me opening up to the world again and sharing my journy as a trans person, a person who has and still does experience mental ill health, a runner, a dreamer, a seeker and a person who just wants to live a life where love, peace and freedom and abundant.

Until the next blog my friends, I am sending you love and hope. Stay safe :)

Aeiko.